Ramblings of a new mom

It’s been something like 6 weeks since my last entry. I’m sorry to my faithful readers for the delay. There’s really no good reason for it other than I just haven’t gotten around to it. I’m guilty of laziness.

So…traveling with a 19 month old. What can I say about it. Pretty much, the only advice I can give is the total cliché of "expect the unexpected." But I’d like to amend that with "expect the unexpected and then realize that’s not going to happen either." Don’t get me wrong, we had a great time. But pretty much everything we were worried about didn’t happen. And things we hadn’t given a second thought to ended up being the biggest stressors.

For example, one of my biggest worries was spending so much time straight with Alex. As I mentioned in my last entry, I hadn’t spent more than 3 days in a row with Alex since my maternity leave. And on this trip, I spent 10 days straight with my little man. And the result…going back to work on Monday was hardest it’s even been and not because I just didn’t want to go. Leaving Alex that morning was very very hard. I found that I had really enjoyed spending all that time with him. Granted it was on a cruise ship and I didn’t have to cook or clean or do anything. So I’m not saying I want to be a stay-at-home mom or anything now. I just am able to handle a week straight with Alex and I wasn’t sure of that before.

But honestly my biggest worry was sharing a room to sleep in with Alex. In his entire life, we had shared exactly 2 nights exactly sleeping in the same room with Alex all night. (I’m not counting the occasional times we brought him into bed with us because those were never all night.) We didn’t even have him sleep in our room in a bassinet when he was a newborn. So I really didn’t know how we were going to handle not only sharing a room with him for 7 nights, but a cruise ship cabin which are known for being as compact as humanly possibly and then shaving off a few more feet. And amazingly, it went just fine. Although bedtime was not always easy, he stayed asleep through the night. Dave and I didn’t watch TV or turn lights on or anything, but we didn’t sit still and not move either. We went in and out of the cabin, talked, read by a reading light, various things. And it wasn’t a problem at all. We didn’t wake him up once. So it really was cake. Mostly because we had a balcony. I still don’t know how we’d handle a regular hotel room where we would have no choice but to sit in there. But we can worry about that another day.

But the one thing we hadn’t worried about ended up being the biggest problem. And that was mealtime. We go out to eat with Alex all the time. And although he doesn’t always sit there like an angel, he’s doesn’t throw tempter tantrums or make a ruckus or anything. And, he eats. Not on the cruise. He would tolerate sitting there for a short while but then it would be show time. He just wanted to be anywhere else, didn’t care that the whole family was sitting together. Plus, he didn’t eat. I don’t mean he just didn’t finish his meals, the kid didn’t eat the entire cruise. For seven days, he survived on milk, juice, a few bites from the dinner roll, goldfish, and veggie straws. Even his favorite foods (like watermelon, hot dogs, and macaroni and cheese) didn’t break through. He just wasn’t interested in food. So that just made meal times difficult. Every night, Dave and I had to take turns entertaining him out in the lobby. Once we got the pattern down, it was all right. But it did stink having to eat food quickly and miss the social time with the family. However it was a blast to watch Alex put on a show in the lobby.

Pretty much, that can be said for the entire trip. It just took a few days to figure things out. The first day was horrible and every day after that got better as we figured out how to handle everything. Like once we realized the only way we were going to get a nap was to walk him around in the stroller until he fell asleep, we were able to relax every afternoon without a problem. Things like that we would just pick up as we went along. I have said that I think if this hadn’t been our very first trip with Alex, we might have been more prepared. But I don’t know if that’s really true. I think of how Alex is today compared to how he was a month ago and I just don’t think there is any preparation possible. He’s changed too much and we are constantly adjusting routines to catch-up, even at home. So although an earlier trip might have helped us learn to expect the unexpected, it wouldn’t have prepared us for everything.

I don’t know what to expect for the first time we travel with Alex alone. Although my family was not brought along as babysitters, they did watch him a few times for us. Once, my dad napped with him so Dave and I could leave the cabin (though I don’t think that was out of kindness but just out Dad’s absolutely necessity to nap too). And one night, Tiffany let him sleep in her cabin all night so Dave and I could be drunken fools wandering the ship until 1am. And at night, once Alex went to bed, one of us would stay in the cabin or balcony while the other went out and about with the family. If it had just been the two of us, would one of us gone out and wandered alone? I don’t think so. So in a nutshell, we have no idea what it’s like to travel with a 19 month on our own. And I guess we never will since he’s 20 months old today.

Oh, the plane ride. Everyone always asks about the plane rides. Yeah, they sucked. And he really wasn’t a terror there either. It just was difficult. As I had been advised, we brought tons of new toys but it didn’t really work. He just wanted to be up and running around. Once I took him to the bathroom to change his diaper just so he could get out of his seat for a bit. It didn’t help that he had expected him to sleep and of course he didn’t. That’s one thing we should have realized but were too hopeful. The flight home was better because we got some child headphones and let him watch Handy Manny and that really helped. Until he threw up all over me. There’s a bit of advice I’d like to share with my fellow parents…you always have a change of clothes or two for the kid. On flights, make sure you bring one for yourself too. Nothing like smelling like vomit as you sit on the plane and walk through an airport. Ahh, the joys of parenthood.

So it just hit me.  I don’t know why it just hit me since this isn’t new news.  But I just got a smack across the face that says “you’re about to spend 10 days straight, 24 hours a day, with Alex.”  And wow, did it wake me up.  This has never happened for Dave and it hasn’t happened for me since maternity leave.  And I didn’t really like maternity leave.  Of course, Alex was just a limp of jiggle baby then so times have changed.  But still.

I think what is most interesting is why I am obsessing about this.  It’s not really a big deal.  Actually, I’m very excited about it.  But I think just the thought of spending just about 24 hours a day for 10 days with my little buddle of energy, the “thrower of everything,” has me concerned.  Is this going to prove for sure that I’m not a very good mother cause I have the patience of a puppy faced with a dog treat?  Am I going to not like him too much by the time this is over?

I realize that stay-at-home parents do this every day so I really should just chill out.  But telling me to chill out is like telling me to stop breathing.  So instead, I will worry about it, constantly think about it, imagine everything that go wrong, and in the end, just drink a lot of wine and say “oh, well.”

We’re going on a cruise!!!!!  Take that, bitches!

In last week’s parents lunch group, one of the members was going on and on.  All she pretty much does is whine and complain and I often have to tune her out when she’s talking.  I mean, I know it can be hard but she makes it sound like torture.  She started going on about money and said something like “and my daughter is so smart, so smart, she’s way above age, so I really need to start saving for college cause she’s going to be going to a good school.”  That did it, I laughed out loud.  I know, it was so bad of me but I couldn’t help it.  Her daughter isn’t even two years old yet and she’s already saying how smart she is.  She’s one of those parents, the ones that think their kid is so smart.  They think everything they do is so amazing and never realize that it’s just normal development.  Blah blah blah, whatever.  Too funny.

So we were at the doctor’s office a couple of nights ago for Alex’s 18 month well visit.  While in the waiting room, Alex ran over to one of those wire mazes and started pushing the balls around on it.  He quickly got stuck and couldn’t move the ball any further cause his arm was stopped by a wire.  In about 5 seconds, he realized he could transfer the ball to his other hand and keep moving it.  I couldn’t believe it!  He’s a genius!  I mean, that takes brains to figure out.  He had never played with one before and figured out so quickly what to do.  My son is so smart, he’s going to be a rocket scientist.

Yeah, I’m a hypocrite.  Aren’t all mothers?

Putting Alex to bed tonight went like every other night.  He sucked down his sippy cup while I read several books to him.  Then a brief cuddle, followed by a trip to the bathroom for some teeth brushing.  Then back to the glider for “Goodnight Moon.”  Then I always attempt to cuddle but he’s not into it anymore.  So I give him a quick kiss then carry him to the crib.  I gently lay him down and he always rolls over into his tuck (butt in the air) pose and sighs and goes to sleep.  But this time, he didn’t.  He sat up, looking around.  But he wasn’t looking for me.  He finally located the blanket that’s in his crib, not that he’s ever used it before.  We always have a blanket in there but usually don’t bother putting it over him.  But then a few days ago, his usual blanket got peed on so I threw in a blanket I made for him, one we usually display on the rocking chair.  Anyhow, tonight he found that blanket, grabbed a corner and pulled on it.  He laid it over his legs, and then laid down, pulling it up a little further.  For some reason, this little act instantly put me in tears.  I literally gasped as I cried.  Maybe it was because he chose my blanket.  But I also think it was because he did something a baby wouldn’t do, but a little boy would. 

Today he turns 18 months old.  That’s amazing.  How can he be a year and a half?  How can I be the mother of a year and a half old?  But it all seems to fit.  How it is now is how it should be.  And my little boy is grown up enough to want to sleep under a blanket.  A blanket his mommy made for him.  The blanket I started almost 10 years ago, before he was a glimmer in my eye.  He’ll probably pee on it too but that just means he loves it even more.

"Wow, now that's something I never thought I'd do."  I think it's a pretty normal phrase to say when you have a kid.  The list of things that go under that statement is over a mile long.

 Like picking another being's nose.  I have no idea why but I can't help by pick Alex's nose.  If I see a shiny snot in there, I have no control over my hand and before I know it, I'm digging it out.  Alex hates this so why do I do it?  Who knows?  It's something I never thought I'd do.

 Or being thrown up on and not minding it.  True, I didn't exactly thrive on it.  But I didn't immediately run to take off the shirt and wash everything.  I continued to hold Alex, running to the sink to let him finish off.  And even after he was done and crying, I held him to my vomit covered shirt (his was covered too) and shushed him.  I honestly didn't take that shirt off for at least 10 minutes.  It just wasn't my priority to remove the vomit enhanced shirt.  It's something I never thought I'd do.

 Or instead of watching all the shows on my DVR waiting to be enjoyed, turning on the Wiggles.  Not because Alex has any love for it, but he does love singing and I know that they're going to sing at some point.  It's something I never thought I'd do.

 Or taking a cruise with a 19 month old.  I know on previous cruises I've taken, I've seen parents with young children and I always thought "oh, why would you do that?  Leave him home and have a good time."  And in about 6 weeks, I will be taking Alex on a cruise.  It's highly possible that I will be having those thoughts while I'm there with him but who knows.  Still, it's something I never thought I'd do.

 But then there's other "never" thing.  The one you don't think about as much but is just as important.  The "it's something I never thought I'd hear."

 Sure, we can include so many things on that list.  Like "Oh, your baby is so cute, who does he take after?"  Or "Just wait until the first time you give him salt" as I'm watching him eat a pretzel.  But I never ever ever ever thought my husband would call me and say to me "Alex has strep...in his butt."  It's something I never thought I'd hear.

 And the worst is that my response was to laugh.  And I'm still laughing.  Every time I say it, I crack up.  Heck, I'm laughing as I write this.  Because it's just so freakin' ridiculous.  Who knew you could get strep in your butt?  Apparently, you can get it anywhere.  Just found out my nephew had strep on his toes once.  So there you go.

 But I am finding this little fact so amazing.  I'm telling it to anyone who will listen.  Seriously, I told my co-worker, who never wants kids of his own and really don't like hearing about kids at all.  But I just had to tell him.  Cause I'm just so amazed by it.  And I find it so funny.  It's like a fart, one of those things that shouldn't be funny at all but pretty much makes you laugh every time.

 Am I a bad mom because I'm laughing at my son's misery?  Cause he was pretty miserable.  We just thought it was a butt rash and that's why he was crying when he pooped.  But eventually, we called the doctor to see if they had other advice.  The nurse we talked to told us that we should cut out milk and increase the miralax we give him and all these other insane things.  Thankfully once she told the head nurse about it, she said no, bring him in.  And our doctor went on a whim and tested for strep.  From what I've read, most doctors diagnose this completely wrong so we were very lucky.

 But still...it's Butt Strep.  Strep of the Butt.  There's just no way to say it so it doesn't sound ridiculous.  So I will keep laughing.  And giving Alex antibiotics and Neosporin on his red butt.  And tell everyone I meet.  Besides that it's too funny to say, it's also a very important public service I'm doing.  I mean, Butt Strep?  Who knew it even existed?  You're welcome.

A lot of my friends have made the step to "baby #2."  That's pretty daunting of you ask me.  You see, after "baby #1," although your life changes, it's amazing how much doesn't actually change.  But the second baby seems to bring on a whole new level.  Suddenly you're in the 'need a bigger car, so much for the office, forget going out to dinner, need a third pair of eyes, oh my goodness there are many kids and there are parent' stage of life.  And good for them!

This weekend, I met baby K, the barely 4 week old son of a good friend of mine.  As soon as I saw K laying on the couch, I went over to say hi.  He was sleeping peacefully but soon was fussing.  I picked him up to try to sooth him.  And suddenly, I had no idea how to hold him.  I stared at this little wriggling, drooling, weird noise making being covered in white flakes and had no clue what to do.  I tried to remember Alex being like this and I couldn't.  I had absolutely no recollection of how to hold a newborn.  Did Alex like being cradled, or held over the shoulder, or what?  I couldn't remember.  I was only holding K for a few seconds when I started praying that someone else would offer to hold him.  Couldn't they see that I was not holding him right?  He was crying and moving all over?  Help!

I gotta admit, it freaked me out.  I know I had some emotional problems in the first few weeks (or months) of Alex's life.  But I didn't realize how much of it I had blocked out.  Or as K's mom told me, our brains forget about this part so we will have another one.  But that didn't work for me.  If anything, not remembering this time made me more scared to go through it again. 

Holding K did nothing else but reaffirm my knowledge that I am not ready for a second child.  Once I knew I wanted kids, I said I wanted two kids, just like my family.  But here I am, and just not ready for that.  I know that I probably one day will be ready.  Or at least I hope I will be.  Dave wants another.  My mom is still hoping for a granddaughter.  Also, how else can we be on Family Game Night?  You have to have two kids to be on that game show. 

I find it strange that months later, I'm still affected by the depression I experienced with Alex at first.  Especially considering how wonderful Alex is.  He is so amazing.  Like how he tries to imitate everything I do, like when I was shaving my legs with an electric razor and then put it in the drawer.  A few seconds later, I look up for Alex and there he is sitting on the floor, running the turned off razor over his legs.  Or how he's determined to walk down the stairs like us, holding onto the railing for dear life and letting how a "hee-ya" with every step…every time.  Or how he will let out a good fart and pat his butt, as if to say "good job!"  Or like when he discovered how much fun it was to eat spaghetti.  Or how the only animal noise he seems willing to learn in "Baa."  You can ask him what's a cow say or a pig say or anything and he'll just stare at you.  But ask him what a sheep says and he'll belt out "BAA!"  Or how sometimes, for no apparent reason, he'll grab your face and press it to his and hold it there for a while.  Or how when you pick him up in the morning, the first thing he does is wrap his arms around your neck.  Or how when he's scared by something he'll run to you and press tightly against your legs.  Or pretty much everything about his amazing self.

Hmmmm…maybe #2 isn't such a distant possibility.  Just not right now.

I’m not a neat freak.  But I also have a thing about messy houses.  Just ask my husband, I’m sure he’d be happy to tell you about the occasional morning where I would just melt and scream “Why do we live in such a pig sty?”  There wasn’t mud and pig poop all over.  Just…clutter.  And sometimes it would set me off. 

One thing that always, always, drove me crazy what crap on the floor.  A shoe, a dropped piece of paper, a blanket, if I found those things laying on the floor for no apparent reason, I would let out a sigh, shake my head, pick it up, and probably go on a rant about it.  I don’t know why this always bothered me.  Maybe it was my upbringing.  I was not allowed to leave clothes on the floor in my bedroom when I was growing up.  Everything had to be on a shelf, in a drawer, or in some other way off the floor. 

This morning, I walked over a bib, a dish tower, a Tupperware lid, and a rockin’ penguin.  And that was just in the hallway from the stairs to the family room.  I noticed them and kept walking.  I guess this is just what happens to you when you have a 16 month old.  You start to realize that it’s just going to end up there again in a few hours so why bother.  Instead, once a week, I clean the house and for a few minutes, think “why can’t we just keep it like this?  Would it be so hard?”  And 10 minute later, I remember the answer is “Hell, yes, it’s that damned hard!” and I step over the empty box again.

I’m also amazed at how much stuff I will let Alex play with.  Like last night at dinner, he got his hands on my check book.  Dave was about to take it away from him but I said “no, let him explore, we’re right here.”  Alex proceeded to try to read the check book.  Thank Yoda he couldn’t understand how broke we are.  He was actually pretty gentle with it.  He ended up taking the checks out and just looking at the register.  But then he tried to put the checks back in.  He laid the check book down and opened it.  Then he let go and reached for the checks.  I don’t use my checkbook that open so it’s not creased well enough to stay open.  It popped close again right away.  Alex, used to his board books that stay open, was confused by this.  Several times, he’d open the book and then let go to reach for the checks.  Of course, every time the book would close.  Dave and I both tried to help him but he refused, smacking our hands away.  So we just watched in humor…and amazement.  I know this happens for every child, ours is not special.  But watching his discover things like books that won’t stay open was amazing to us for some reason.  Of course, he didn’t find it so amazing and eventually knocked both the checks and the book to the ground with a sweep of his arm across the table. 

I knew I’d change with a toddler at home.  I never realized I’d allow dish towels to sit at the foot of the stairs for days.  I never realized I’d find amazement in watching a toddler play with a check book.

And I never realized that I’d get up at 7am on a Saturday morning when Alex is still asleep.  What the heck is wrong with me today?

During pregnancy, I…uh...'wanted cookies'…a lot  I definitely benefited from some changes during those 9 months.  However, when I was put on "bed rest" in the 7th month, all eating of cookies had to stop.  Dave and I couldn't wait until the baby was born so we could resume our enjoyment of cookies.  It was a long few months for us, to put simply.  And I knew there was no way I was going to be one of those mothers who didn't want to eat cookies after the baby was born.  I had gone long enough in my youth denying myself of those yummy cookies that a silly thing like a child wasn't going to stop me making up for lost time!

Except that I was wrong.  Ever since the birth of Alex, my cookie drive has been in park.  Heck, it's practically in reverse.  Sometimes it's complete revulsion of even thinking about cookies.  Other times, it's just exhaustion.  But most of the time, I just feel like it's too much time wasted when I should be doing other things.  I got too much on my plate these days to spend time doing such an unnecessary thing.  At least, that's what my brain has been telling me for months.  In all honest truth, in the 15 months since Alex was born, Dave and I have probably eaten cookies together…six times?  Maybe?

I know, how could Dave have stayed with me through this?  Well, put simply, he's a saint.  And he know I'd kick his ass if he tried anything.  Not that he would, I know that.  I'm just thankful to have a husband that understands.

Cause I do.  I wouldn't just be all cold fish to him.  We'd talk about it and I'd cry cause I know that something's not right.  I felt so horrible about it but it didn't change the fact that I had no desire at all.  It just never seemed like the right time for me.  And I would think about it all time but still nothing would change.  Poor Dave.

I thought about seeing someone about it but of course I never did.  Didn't have the time.

Then I was reading some article somewhere and it mentioned other parents in the same situation.  And the advice of the professional was to schedule the eating of the cookies.  Very simple, just plan ahead.  My first thought was how horrible.  Talk about ruining the best part of it all, the spontaneity.  What a dumb idea.

Then after a few more weeks of not baking out at all, I started thinking about it again.  And realized that if I knew days ahead of time that on a certain night, no excuses, the deed would be done, I couldn't say anything about having other things to do.  Cause I had already scheduled that that was the thing to do.  So I mentioned it to Dave.  He didn't seem too thrilled about it either.  But I think the thought of eating cookies was enough to make him give it a go.

Friends, let me tell you, it's the best idea we ever came up with.  Granted, we've only been scheduling for 3 weeks now (and had to postpone one due to illness), but it's been working.  Mostly because you don't have to do the whole flirty dance and pretend to be all "hey, baby, want some cookies" and all that crap.  You know it's scheduled and that's that.  I know that sounds cold, but I got to admit, it's been somewhat interesting.  I'm not going to go into more detail that that but I think you might get what I'm saying.

In summary, when you're a parent, you suddenly don't have time for anything.  Whether it be pulling weeds, finishing a basement, editing a wedding video, cross stitching a stocking in time for Alex's first Christmas (crap), budgeting your life, cooking a meal, or "eating cookies" with your husband, you just got too much to do and not enough time to do it.  Because in all honestly, all you want to do it play with your giggling baby.  Time with them is so precious. especially when they go to bed barely an hour after you get home.

By the way, another thing that Dave and I started doing a few months ago is planning dinner for the whole week on Sunday.  We make a "menu" for dinner for every day and shop for those meals on Sunday.  Now we never miss a meal together and eat pretty good stuff (no more pasta or pizza nearly every day).

Maybe I should write a book on all the ways to save time and your sanity with kids.  Cause you all know I'm a total expert.

And even with my fancy euphemism, I'm sure you can all understand exactly what I'm saying.  So now I owe a sincere apology to any family that reads this blog.  Okay, mostly to my mother-in-law.  I hope I didn't scar you for life.  But hey, Alex is here, so you had to have some idea that Dave and I were…eating cookies together.  :)

For those of you that read my last entry and are hoping for an update, I’m very reluctant to give one.  Let’s just say that I’ve decided writing a blog entry has some magic behind it because literally the night I posted that…everything changed.  Put simply, whatever Alex was working through, he got through.  And now, nights are peaceful.  Seriously, I’m afraid to say anything else in case this reverses it.

So, what should I write about? I seem to be suffering from a bit of writer’s block.  Or maybe it’s the fact that it’s 8am and I’ve been up since 6:30 with the little man.  Either way, my brain can only think about Disney World.  Probably because we just watched Mickey’s Clubhouse.  I love Mickey Mouse. 

Dave is pretty annoyed at me but I am thinking about a trip for 2012.  He’s annoyed because we have a basement a finish, a roof and windows to replace, and a deck to rebuild.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, but I want to travel!  All I can think about is taking Alex to places I love.  Which I know is ridiculous because he won’t remember anywhere we take him.  I know my earliest memory is from when I was 4.  But yet, I still think about all the places I want to go.  Maybe it’s selfish of me because I love Disney World way too much.  I haven’t been in almost 5 years!  That’s just wrong.  I’m long overdue for a revisit.

But will I love it as much with Alex?  We won’t be able to go on my favorite rides, like Tower of Terror or Star Tours.  Well, at least not with Alex.  We’ll have to play the switch game and what will Alex think of that?  Will he get upset that he’s not going on the ride with Mommy?  One of my favorite things about Disney is the good food.  But will we be able to enjoy my favorite restaurants with Alex?  I guess I just worry that it won’t be the same trip as before and that might make me not love Disney as much.  Or maybe seeing his eyes light up will make it even better?
 
Gee, am I over thinking this?

For the last 30 minutes, Alex has been wandering around the family room, playing all the toys we have strewn about in here.  And it just amazes me.  He’s played with these toys dozens of times but that doesn’t matter.  He always finds something new and exciting to do with them.  Like just now, he picked up two of his soft cars, one in each hand, and raced them.  I’ve never seen him do that before.  Then he laid on the floor, flipping through a book, kicking his feet back and forth.  These little things are just so amazing.  Because he’s my son.  And he’s growing and becoming a person with a distinct personality and I get to watch it blossom.  And let’s see, if I look close enough and really examine him…yep, there it is.  He’s most definitely a Disney nut, just like his mommy.  Dave, what resort do you want to stay at?  Alex really wants to go!